How to Be an Unwoke Church

Show the world you are based.

I write to help a brother out. Recently, Tim Anderson, pastor of an un-woke church in CA, asked General William Wolfe a question on the Twitters which I am sure has crossed every based pastor’s mind:

“Honest question: as the pastor of an un-woke church, what would be a good signal on our web site to welcome based Christians?”

Well, Tim, I am going to take stab at your question. By based, I am sure you mean un-woke, non-woke, anti-wokified American Christian believers. And we all know what woke means, and it is bad.

The main way to show based Christians that your church is the right church is to major on the majors. Don’t fuss with doctrine and pastoral care. Show them you care about the main issues facing the church Right Now and more importantly are on the Right Side of those issues.

And what are the major, most pressing issues facing the church right now? You want to keep out the wrong people? Just make sure your website has correct, based positions on these issues.

1. Drag Queens

Without a doubt hating on drag queens is the most pressing need in the church today. Woke churches are overrun with them. You need to make sure your church website has video footage of you getting kicked out of a public library while protesting against drag queens. Even if the library doesn’t have any drag queens, get the footage anyway. If you don’t, the pastor of another wannabe based church down the street will get all of those un-woke Christians looking for a pastor with the guts to disrupt normal library business to make a point about drag.

2. David French

Speaking of royalty, David French is the king and queen of the woke. He does CRTs all day long and twice on Sunday. He is so woke, he never sleeps. The man claims to be a born-again believer, but he is a woke-again believer and those are the worst kind.

Therefore, you need to post the following sign on your website. You want the kind of based believer who understands the threat of Frenchism to the church.

3. Critical Race Theory

CRT has fallen down the list lately what with drag queens and David Frenchism becoming much more threatening to the whole entire church. But you can be sure, CRT is out there biding its time waiting for someone to devour.

Like Chris Rufo says, CRT is anything about race which makes white people feel bad, like history and facts. Normally, we don’t care about feelings in church, but on matters of race, we care a lot because anti-white discrimination is hurting a lot of people, especially white people, and that’s who goes to your church. So make sure you signal people that CRT isn’t allowed in your congregation. I even tied no using he lees CRT, bu i did no wok vey well. I guess all things in moderation.

4. This is God’s Country

Just as the Bible says, the United States of America is God’s chosen nation and prospective un-woke church attenders should know you understand American history. American history is the study of how Christian Europeans colonialized the new world from the natives who we taught Christianity to and made their lives better, when they weren’t dying from European diseases and forced migrations and boarding schools and the like.

Remind people that religious freedom is for Christians to be free to do Christian things whenever and wherever they want, but that doesn’t go for other anti-Christian religions since America is a Christian nation. This land is our land!

Just one more thing: Advertise your book study of The Case for Christian Nationalism by Stephen Wolfe. Your prospective members will love the parts about capital punishment for heretics.

5. Miscellaneous Things to Avoid

Don’t use any Veggie Tales characters since they are associated with Phil Vischer (woke). He runs that (Un)Holy Post podcast which has all kinds of woke people on it.

Don’t link to “The Rise and Fall of Mars Hill” since host Mike Cosper has gone kind of woke and he said nasty things about the very un-woke Mark Driscoll.

Don’t mention Beth Moore or any lady preacher. They should all be home and attending to lady things like making cornbread and pleasing their husbands.

And, for the love of all that is holy, don’t mention Warren Throckmorton or even refer to him.

There are more, but these five should help screen out most of the undesirable, non-based wokesters. Follow these and you and your unwoke church will have quite a group of based believers who deserve each other.

Shalom shalom.

(This essay is adapted from the forthcoming book, Anti-Woke Church: Based Church for Dummies, published by Salem Grove Press)